


I Almost Do

by leeanndarling



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, blowjob, louis gets drunk to forget, louis is in denial for part of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 03:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/948104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeanndarling/pseuds/leeanndarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Louis!” Liam exclaimed. “You can’t just hang up on people with no explanation!”</p><p>“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be able to leave people without one, either, but he fucking did!” Louis snapped.</p><p>“You’re right,” Liam agreed, “but you’re acting like a proper twat, Louis. Just talk to him. Stay friends so when he comes back in a few months, you two can get back together. You know you want to.”</p><p>Louis looked up with tears in his eyes. “I almost do.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Almost Do

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, this is loosely based off of I Almost Do by Taylor Swift. I got the idea listening to that song and just started writing.
> 
> There’s a tiny bit of horrible smut close to the end. Not even smut, really… Just a blowjob. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: There are brief mentions of self harm throughout the story. If you are suffering from self harm, get help immediately. I’m here if you need to talk.

When Louis met Harry, he thought he had found the man of his dreams, the man he would marry one day.

Liam, Zayn, Niall, and Louis were all sitting in Louis’s living room doing absolutely nothing when Liam brought it up. “I have a new neighbor.”

Zayn raised his eyebrow. “Good for you?”

Liam rolled his eyes. “He’s pretty fit for a guy. I think Louis would be interested.”

Louis’s head snapped up. “Why do you think that?”

“I just do,” Liam mentioned. “I should set you up for a date!”

Louis thought that was the best day of his life. He agreed easily, hoping to get a quick shag in if nothing else. It wasn’t until he actually met Harry that he realized Harry was worth so much more than that. The next two years of Louis’s life revolved around Harry. Harry, beautiful, tall Harry with his emerald green eyes and curly brown hair. Harry, who made Louis feel like he was on top of the world.

Harry, who shattered his heart with two simple words.

“I’m moving.”

Louis couldn’t believe it. His world was crumbling down around him and all he could do was stare at Harry.

“Lou, we can still be together,” Harry mentioned slowly. “It’ll just be long distance for a bit. I’ll call you every day. We can Skype a lot and-“

“Leave,” Louis whispered.

Hurt flickered across Harry’s face. He stopped talking, mid-sentence, and stared at Louis with his jaw dropped. “What?”

“I can’t do this,” Louis said. “I can’t do long distance. This… What we have… It’s over.”

“Louis, please-“

“Just leave, Harry,” he whined. “Please. Just leave. I can’t- I just-“

He took off running to his bathroom and locked himself in. Harry, his perfect Harry, was leaving. Harry was his rock. He didn’t think he could survive without Harry there. He needed Harry to hold him when he cried, or to tell him he looks amazing when he feels insecure, or to just kiss him when he’s upset. He didn’t want Harry to leave, but it was too late. Harry was gone and so was Louis’s heart.

Louis curled up in the bathtub. He stayed there long after he heard Harry leave. He didn’t bother getting up to answer his phone. It was most likely Liam. He had to know that Harry was moving.

On the fifth ring, however, Louis finally got up to grab his phone. Four missed calls and a text message from Liam.

‘ _Hey. Dinner at my place tomrw at 7. You in?’_

He couldn’t just say no. And besides, maybe it would be good for him to go out.

**‘ _Yeah. I’ll be there. See you then.’_**

The reply was just a short ‘ _see you x’_ about five minutes later.

Louis crawled under the covers of his bed. He blinked back tears. He felt so alone. His world was crashing down around him. Everything he’d built was gone. He finally let the tears fall when his phone went off with a text from Harry.

‘ _Lou, I’m sorry. I love you. Haz xx’_

Louis didn’t respond.

-0-

He didn’t leave his bed till almost six the next day. He managed to drag himself into the shower. He let the water hit his back for at least twenty minutes before he actually started washing his hair. Everything felt off. Yesterday, things were perfect. Today… Nothing was right. He stood in the shower until the water ran cold.

He towel-dried his hair and threw on a t-shirt and jeans. He contemplated ignoring his phone when it rang, but decided to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey mate,” Niall said happily. “You going to Liam’s tonight?”

“Yeah,” Louis mumbled. “About to head out now.”

“You don’t sound too good,” Niall mentioned. “You okay?”

Louis swallowed. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. See you in a bit.”

Louis hung up before Niall could respond.

-0-

Harry knew Louis was going to be there. He knew it was a bad idea not to tell Liam what happened. He knew it was a bad idea to agree to a “going away dinner” with all of them. He knew things were going to go downhill and fast.

Or maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe Louis would decide that long distance would work. Maybe they could all have one last happy dinner together. Maybe things would be okay. Maybe-

The glare Louis gave Harry when he walked in made him think that maybe he should leave. The glare was mixed with hurt and anger. Harry didn’t know how to react to that. He forced a stiff smile onto his face when Liam noticed him. He sat on the couch, completely across the room from Louis, and joined the conversation easily.

“Louis, you haven’t said much,” Zayn commented. “You okay?”

“Just a bit tired,” Louis lied. Well, it wasn’t much of a lie. He was tired. “Didn’t get good sleep last night. Why’d you randomly decide on dinner together anyways, Li?” He picked up his drink.

“You didn’t listen to your voicemail, did you?” Liam asked. Louis shook his head. “Figured. I just thought it’d be fun to have one last dinner together before Harry moves on Sunday.”

Louis head snapped up. “Sunday?” he asked, glaring at Harry once again. “ _Sunday?_ You’re moving on  _Sunday_ and you didn’t bother to tell me?”

“You didn’t give me a chance!” Harry explained. “You just told me to leave!”

“And you shouldn’t have!” Louis’s voice cracked. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “You shouldn’t have left. You should’ve stayed.”

“Louis, you locked yourself in the bathroom. I stayed for twenty minutes.”

Liam quickly ushered Zayn and Niall out of the room.

Louis opened his mouth, but no words came out. Tears fell down his face. Harry leaned forward to wipe them away, but Louis flinched backwards. He started shaking his head. He slouched over and put his head in his hands.

“Lou…”

“Don’t,” Louis snapped. “Don’t try to comfort me. Don’t pretend like you care.”

“You think I don’t care?” Harry almost yelled.

“You wouldn’t leave me if you did!”

“Louis, this isn’t my choice! It’s not even permanent. I’ll be back, I just don’t know when. Please, just… Don’t act like this.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t know how.”

Louis stood up and grabbed his jacket. “Goodbye, Harry.”

“Lou, wait-“

Louis didn’t look back.

-0-

‘ _Louis, please answer.’_

_‘Lou, come on.’_

_‘Answer the damn phone, Louis.’_

_‘I’m leaving in less than an hour. Can I at least see you to say goodbye in person?’_

_‘Please.’_

Louis ignored every text and call that morning. He only had one voicemail. He put it on speaker.

“ _Louis, I’m sorry it ended like this. I really wish we could’ve stayed together. I really want to see you. I’m going to stop by your flat on the way out of town. You probably won’t answer, but it’s worth a shot. I’ll always love you, okay? I’m so sorry, Louis.”_

Louis couldn’t bring himself to delete it. He also couldn’t bring himself to answer the door when he heard Harry’s obnoxious knocking. He bit his lip until the knocking stopped and his phone went off again.

‘ _I’m sorry. And I love you. Xx’_

Louis cried himself to sleep for the fourth night in a row.

-0-

Liam came over the next morning to check on him. He had to use his copy of Louis’s key to get in. Louis still couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed. Liam wordlessly toed off his shoes and slid in the bed beside Louis. Louis curled into him out of instinct. Louis lost track of how long they were quiet. He took a shaky breath.

“He left me,” he whispered. “He actually left me.”

“Lou-“

“Don’t sugarcoat it, Liam,” he snapped. “He’s gone.”

“But he’s not gone forever,” Liam mentioned. “He’ll be back.”

“But he still fucking left me, Liam,” Louis said. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “God, he’s been my life for two years. What am I supposed to do?”

“You could stop being a twat and call him.”

“If you’re going to side with him, just get the fuck out. I’m not calling with him. I can’t deal with him right now, Liam. All I want right now is to stay in bed all day and go out and get extremely drunk tonight.”

“It’s a Monday night.”

Louis shrugged. “I don’t care. Now, I’m going back to sleep. You’re welcome to stay, but please keep your mouth shut.”

So Liam did. He held Louis while he slept throughout the day, face never looking peaceful.

Louis didn’t get drunk that night.

The first call came on Wednesday. Louis ignored it, of course. Harry left a voicemail.

 _“Hey, Louis. I would’ve called earlier, but mum wanted me to get settled first. I guess you’re still mad at me. I’m sorry. I really am. I’d love to talk to you. We don’t even have to stay together… or get back together… or whatever. I just want to hear your voice.”_ Harry sighed.  _“I have to go now. Hopefully I’ll talk to you soon. I love you, Lou.”_

Louis almost wants to call him back. He sat on the window sill and look out. He wondered if maybe Harry was doing the same thing. He wondered if maybe, just maybe, Harry was thinking of him, too.

Harry called every day for a week. Louis never answered. It’s the next Tuesday when Harry called and the phone didn’t go straight to voicemail. Louis was in the shower and Liam was cooking him dinner. The ringtone was obnoxious. Liam answered.

“Oh my gosh, you answered,” Harry said, shock evident in his voice. “Lou, I’m so sorry! I love you so much. I-“

“Harry,” Liam interrupted. “It’s not him. It’s Liam. He’s in the shower.”

“God, he really hates me, doesn’t he?” Harry asked. His voice cracked.

“He actually doesn’t hate you at all,” Liam said. “He really loves you. He just doesn’t know how to deal with this, so he thinks avoiding you completely will help.”

“How is he?”

Liam sighed. There was no point in lying. “He’s a proper wreck. Hasn’t left his flat since last week. He mostly orders delivery from somewhere, but he’s got Niall grocery shopping for him. I think his eyes are permanently red, honestly.

Harry groaned. “Way to make me feel like a dick, Liam.” He sniffed.

“It’s not your fault he’s acting like this, Haz,” Liam told him. “It’s just… You were basically the most stable thing he had in his life and now…”

“I’m gone,” Harry finished with a sigh.

Liam opened his mouth to speak, but shut it when Louis walked out of the bathroom. He almost dropped the phone. Louis eyed him suspiciously.

“Why do you have my phone?” Louis asked.

“I, uh-“

“It’s Harry, isn’t it?”

“Just talk to him,” Liam pleaded. “He thinks you hate him.”

“I do,” Louis replied. “Or, I want to, at least.” He looked down.

“No you don’t,” Liam said. “You couldn’t hate him if you tried.”

“Give me my phone.”

Liam had forgotten about Harry on the line. He handed the phone to Louis. Instead of talking, he hung up on Harry. He threw the phone onto the couch.

“Louis!” Liam exclaimed. “You can’t just hang up on people with no explanation!”

“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be able to leave people without one, either, but he fucking did!” Louis snapped.

“You’re right,” Liam agreed, “but you’re acting like a proper twat, Louis. Just talk to him. Stay friends so when he comes back in a few months, you two can get back together. You know you want to.”

Louis looked up with tears in his eyes. “I almost do.”

Harry’s heart dropped when Louis hung up the phone. Tears fell down his face. He knew this would happen, but a part of him had hoped that it wouldn’t. He didn’t know how to fix things. He wanted to just move back and pretend he never left, but that could never happen.

He stopped calling.

It had been two weeks. Louis didn’t know whether he should be happy or sad that Harry stopped calling him. He didn’t have to ignore the phone anymore, but he was worried that Harry forgot him.

“First you complain that he’s calling you, now you complain because he isn’t,” Zayn noted. “You can’t have it both ways, Louis.”

“But what if he forgot me?” Louis asked quietly.

“He didn’t forget you,” Zayn said. “He probably just gave up.”

“But he shouldn’t-“

“Louis, you’re not trying, so why the fuck should he?”

“Because that’s who he is!” Louis yelled. “He’s Harry. He’s not supposed to give up! He’s supposed to be there and push me into doing things I don’t want to do only because he knows I’ll be happy in the long run. He knows that I need him more than anything and he’s ignoring that. Does he even care about me anymore?”

Zayn left Louis alone in his flat. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as soon as the door was shut. “Told you.”

“God, I feel horrible,” Harry said.

“You still care about him, right?” Zayn asked cautiously.

“Yes, I still care,” Harry sniffed. “I care so fucking much and it’s not even showing. Maybe I should just call him.”

“It’s not like he’ll answer,” Zayn pointed out.

“But it’s the gesture. If I call, he’ll know that I still care and that I still want him.”

“You shouldn’t give him everything he wants, Harry. Make him work for this. Don’t give in.”

Louis ran to the bathroom as soon as Zayn shut the door. He grabbed the blades he bought a few days ago. He didn’t actually plan on using them when he bought them; they were just there for support. Now, he wasn’t so sure. He opened the package and the blades scattered on the counter. He picked one up and twirled it in his fingers. Carefully, he brought it down and swiped it across his wrist. He hissed with pain, but smiled at the beads of blood that formed along the line. He did it three more times before his phone rang. He held a rag to his wrist and jogged over to his bed. ‘ _Liam’_ flashed across the screen.

“Hey,” Louis said. “What’s up?”

“Not much, just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tonight,” Liam replied. “I feel like it’s been a while.”

“It’s been a week or so,” Louis agreed. “My place or yours?”

“Pizza at mine,” Liam said. “See you at six!”

“See you.”

Louis glanced down at his wrist. Four angry red lines were prominent on his wrist. There was no way he could hide them without a jumper. He hoped Liam’s house would be cold enough for one.

Of course not.

Louis cursed to himself when he walked into Liam’s warm living room. He’d be fine with the jumper on for a while, but he could tell he wouldn’t be able to keep it on the entire time.

“Mate, you know you can take your sweater off,” Liam mentioned about an hour later. “You’re starting to sweat a bit.”

Louis slowly started to pull the jumper over his head. If he kept it on now, it would be suspicious. He laid it on the arm of the couch and rubbed at his wrists nervously. Liam saw the look on his face. He looked down towards Louis’s wrist.

“Lou…”

“I have to go,” Louis said quickly. He grabbed his sweater and jumped up.

“No, you’re not going anywhere,” Liam said. He pushed Louis back down on the couch. “We’re talking about this.”

“I’m not,” Louis answered. “I don’t want to.”

“Did you do this because of Harry?” Louis stayed quiet. “Lou, you can’t do this. Just call Harry!”

“Quit taking his side!” Louis yelled.

“You’re not the only one hurting from this, Louis!” Liam yelled back. “I’ve talked to Harry. This is tearing him apart.”

“He doesn’t care. If he did, he wouldn’t have stopped calling.”

“You gave him a reason to stop calling,” Liam pointed out. “You never fucking answered your phone! Maybe if you’d stop being so selfish, you’d realize that! God, Lou, stop being a bitch about this!”

Louis froze for a second. “Fuck you, Liam,” he spat. He started towards the door.

“Lou, wait, I’m sorry-“

“Goodbye.”

Louis took the blade to his skin again that night before bed.

Louis woke up the next morning to his phone ringing. He blindly reached for his phone and answered it without looking.

“Hello?”

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” a familiar voice said. “It’s just that it’s noon and I thought you’d be up already.”

Louis’s eyes flew open. He couldn’t just hang up now. He had to find an excuse.

“Rough night,” Louis said. “You haven’t called in a while.” Louis could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“You haven’t answered in a while,” Harry shot back.

“Harry-“

“Sorry, sorry. I don’t want to argue right now, I just… How’ve you been?”

Louis stared at the angry red lines on his wrist. “I’m fine,” he lied. “You?”

“I’ve been better,” Harry admitted. “I don’t really like this new town. I mis-“

“Harry, I’ve gotta go,” Louis said quickly. He couldn’t listen to Harry talk anymore. “I’ve got to get ready to hang out with Niall. Sorry.”

“OK,” Harry sighed. “We’ll talk later?”

“Mhm. Bye, Harry.”

“Bye, Lou.”

Louis texted Niall as he walked to the bathroom.

**‘ _Nando’s at 12:30?’_**

_‘Course! Meet you there.’_

Louis was tempted to slash his wrists again, but he kew it would be hard to hide more from Niall. He stared at his bare stomach in the mirror. A thought crossed his mind. Carefully, he slid the blade across his stomach. Tears filled his eyes. His stomach was more sensitive than his wrist, but somehow that made him feel better.

It was raining outside, so he didn’t have to take his jacket off. Niall never saw a thing.

Another month passed, Louis destroying his skin at least five times a week. Liam is the only one who ever said anything. Harry had been gone for two months now. Louis was almost at rock bottom. He rarely ever ate or left his flat. He made up multiple excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out.

Liam and Zayn were in his living room when he heard the conversation.

“Harry’s moving back this weekend, right?” Zayn asked. “I think that’s what he said.”

“Yeah, he convinced his parents to let him get a place by himself, so he’s moving into the empty flat down the hall,” Liam answered.

“Does Lou know?”

“Of course not.  Harry tried to tell him, but Louis wouldn’t answer his damn phone.”

Zayn sighed. “He never does.”

Louis ran to his room and immediately grabbed his blades. He added three more cuts to the growing collection on his thigh before there was a knock at the door. Zayn and Liam walked in right after.

“Louis, we need-“ Zayn cut off with a gasp. “Louis!”

“Dammit, Louis, you said you stopped!” Liam yelled. He snatched the blades out of Louis’s hand. “Where are your others?”

“I don’t have to tell you!” Louis snapped. “I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions.”

“Obviously not,” Zayn said. Then he turned to Liam. “This has happened before?”

“Started about a month after Harry left,” Liam responded. “Promised me last week that he stopped. Guess that wasn’t true.”

“Get the fuck out,” Louis hissed. “Just get out! I don’t need you two babying me, okay? I’m an adult and I will live my life as I please.”

“Won’t have much life to live if you keep that up,” Liam said. He seemed shocked by the words that came out of his mouth.

“Louis, just let us help you,” Zayn pleaded.

“I don’t need help, especially from you two!” Louis held his door open. “Now, please, get the fuck out of my flat.” After a second, he yelled out, “And let Harry know that I’m changing my locks, so his key won’t work anymore when he comes back!”

-0-

Harry hadn’t been this nervous since the day he told Louis he was moving. He walked down the hall to Louis’s door and knocked. He heard a crash from somewhere in the flat and the door was thrown open. Louis stood there with a blood-soaked rag on his wrist, frowning down at it.

“I told you I was fine, Liam,” Louis said. “What the fuck do you-“ He stopped when he looked up. He narrowed his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“I moved in down the hall,” Harry said quietly.

“I know that much,” Louis said coldly. “I meant, what are you doing at my door?”

“Just thought it’d be nice to come see you.”

Louis chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah, well you should probably think again.” He slammed the door in Harry’s face. He called Liam.

“Were you and Lou just on the phone?” Harry asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Cause I just went to his place and he thought I was you before he looked up,” Harry explained. “Said he told you he was fine, but he was holding a rag to his wrist.”

“Fuck,” Liam groaned. “He’s got to stop doing this to himself.”

“Doing what exactly?”

Liam paused like he was trying to find a way to explain it. “He’s been cutting himself, Harry.”

Harry’s breath hitched in his throat and it felt like his world collapsed in. “Wh-what?!”

“It’s pretty bad,” Liam said honestly.

“But, his wrists didn’t look that bad, so-“

“It’s not just his wrists. His wrists, his stomach, his thighs, his shoulders… Anywhere that can be cut is cut. He’s destroying his body and I’m so worried about him. He gets drunk a lot now, too.”

“This is all my fault.” Harry’s voice was thick. Tears pooled in his eyes and he blinked them away. “If I would’ve just explained everything sooner instead of waiting, or if I had just never left, things wouldn’t be like this. Oh, and I found out that my parents would’ve let me stay at Louis’s place if I would’ve just asked. How great is that? I could’ve prevented all of this.”

“Harry, you can’t blame yourself for Louis’s actions,” Liam said sternly. “It’s not your fault he decided to act like a twat.”

“Don’t call him that,” Harry said defensively. “He doesn’t handle things like this very well.”

“He’s got to learn how to, Harry.”

“But leaving him wasn’t the right way to make him learn!” Harry rubbed his face angrily. “Whatever. I’ll call you later. Bye.”

Harry couldn’t sleep that night. He was sitting on his couch when he heard something crash in the hallway.

“Shit,” a voice giggled. “Oh well.”

Harry slowly opened his door to find Louis standing up. There was a broken vase on the ground next to him. He reeked of alcohol.

“Louis, what are you doing?” Harry asked.

“Trying to get home, what does it look like?” Louis snapped. He took another step and almost fell again.

“Jesus, you’re wasted,” Harry said as he stopped Louis from falling. He helped Louis walk down the hall to his door. “You gonna be okay tonight?”

“I’ve been just fine for the past two months, so I’ll be fine tonight,” Louis slurred. Then he sighed. “Okay, so I haven’t been fine, but I will be tonight. Just go.”

“What do you mean you haven’t been fine?” Harry walked Louis into his flat and to his bed.

Louis scoffed. “Life’s been hell without you here. I really want to hate you for leaving. Honestly. I almost do, but I don’t. I never will.”

“Lou…”

“Don’t, Harry, just don’t,” Louis said. “You left. I understand. I’m fine on my own.”

“But Lou, don’t you understand?” Harry asked. “I moved back so you wouldn’t have to be on your own. I moved back so we could be together.”

“What makes you think I want to get back together with you?” Louis said. “You left me alone. These-“ He paused to lift his shirt up and motioned to all the cuts on his stomach. “-are because of you. You fucking destroyed me, Harry, so what makes you think I want you back?”

“You did that to yourself because you were too caught up in yourself to realize that I never wanted to leave you! Those aren’t my fault!” Harry took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to leave, Louis. I wanted to stay. I told you we could’ve stayed together because I was coming back, but you wouldn’t listen. You wouldn’t even answer the damn phone! You could’ve prevented this, but you didn’t because you’re too damn selfish.”

“Get out. Now.”

Harry stormed out of Louis’s flat and back to his own.

Louis and Harry both cried themselves to sleep that night.

Louis hadn’t cried in a while. He felt emotionless all the time. He just didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered. He didn’t have Harry, so why bother?

But now Harry was back and in the same building as him. He could easily have Harry back and make things simple again, but he couldn’t give in. He wanted Harry to think that he moved on, that he was fine without him, but they both knew that was a lie.

Louis wondered how much longer he could keep this up.

Liam decided to have a celebration dinner for Harry’s coming home. Louis attended, but didn’t eat or talk. He glared every time Zayn gave him a sympathetic look. He stayed curled in on himself on the couch, only listening to the conversation going on around him. Niall was leaning against his legs with his feet in Liam’s lap. Zayn and Harry sat on the love seat opposite them. Everybody could feel the tension, but nobody said a word about it.

Until Louis’s sleeve started to ride up and Niall grabbed his arm.

“What happened to your wrist, mate?” he asked. “Looks like you were put through a paper shredder.”

“It’s nothing,” Louis mumbled. He heard Harry scoff. He glared. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Why, Lou?” Harry asked. “If it’s nothing, then why won’t you just say what happened? Tell Niall the truth?”

“Shut up,” Louis repeated. “This is none of your business.”

“Oh, but I remember the other night when you were piss drunk,” Harry said, “and you said it was because of me, so that does make it my business.”

“Yes, and  _I_ remember when  _you_ said it wasn’t your fault, so that took you out of it.”

Liam glanced nervously between the two and Niall just looked confused.

“I’m going home,” Louis muttered.

“That’s your problem, Louis. You always run away when things get tough.”

Louis scoffed. “Since when has that mattered before? It’s what I do. I run. You’re the one who fights for things. You’re Harry.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a damn coward, your life would be easier.”

Louis’s jaw dropped. “You have  _no_ right to call me a fucking coward! I have every right to be like this, Harry. You left me. You fucking  _left me,_ and you’re expecting me to be perfectly fine now that you’re back? No. Doesn’t work that way, sweetheart, sorry. You leaving fucked me up pretty badly and you moving back isn’t going to fix it right away.”

“Maybe if you would just let me help you, you could be fixed a hell of lot faster.”

“Who said I want to be fixed?” Louis asked. “And who the hell said I wanted you to help?”

He stormed outside. Zayn followed him.

“Come on, Lou, don’t go,” Zayn begged. “Just go back in there and talk to him.”

“No!”

“You want him back, it’s obvious,” Zayn continued.

“I almost do,” Louis agreed. “I almost do.”

Louis got drunk again that night.

This time, Harry was waiting up to hear the stumbling in the hallway. He didn’t expect to hear two voices.

“Where’s it at?” an unfamiliar voice asked.

“Just a few doors down from here,” Louis slurred. Harry threw his door open and stepped into the hallway. “Harry? What are you doing up?”

“Waiting for you because I knew you’d be drunk,” Harry said calmly. He eyed the other guy. “And who are you?”

“Ryan,” he replied. He didn’t slur.

“You’re not drunk, are you?” Harry asked.

Ryan shook his head. “He is though, and I offered him a ride home.”

“Well, Ryan, I’ve got it from here,” Harry said. “Come on, Lou.”

Louis’s tried to fight, but it was useless. He let Harry lead him to his flat and sat him on the couch.

“I was gonna get laid tonight, Harry, and you ruined it,” Louis whined.

Harry rolled his eyes. “You don’t even know him.”

“Easier to leave then,” Louis shrugged. He groaned. Harry could see the bulge in his pants.

“Jesus, Lou, if you need to get off so bad, I’ll suck you off,” Harry offered. “At least then it’s someone you know.”

Louis was too drunk to protest. He just nodded desperately and fumbled with his button. Harry got on his knees between Louis’s legs and pulled his pants down just enough to free his cock. He gave it a few tugs before taking the tip in his mouth and sucking hard. Louis moaned loudly, not caring if the neighbors heard. Harry slowly took all of Louis in, gagging a bit when the tip touched the back of his throat. He started bobbing his head, fast and quick, trying to get done as fast as possible. This felt wrong. He didn’t want that Ryan guy to take advantage of Louis, but he felt like  _he_ was taking advantage of the poor boy. He’d just missed being intimately close with Louis and he was desperate to feel it again.

He swallowed when Louis came down his throat and tucked him back into his pants.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Harry said quietly. He carried Louis to his bed and tucked him in. He turned to leave.

“Haz,” Louis whimpered. He grabbed Harry’s wrist. “Please… Please don’t leave.”

“You want me to stay with you tonight?” Harry asked. “What about when you wake up sober?”

“Please stay with me,” Louis begged. His words weren’t slurred anymore, but there were tears in his eyes.

“Okay,” Harry whispered. He crawled in bed next to Louis. “I’ll stay, Lou.”

Louis tucked his head into the crook of Harry’s neck and got as close as possible. He was out in five minutes.

Harry woke before Louis. He stayed in bed, even though his mind was screaming at him to get out of there before Louis woke up. He traced shapes onto Louis’s back with his fingertips. The sun was shining through the windows. It seemed close to noon. Louis shifted. Harry could hear Louis’s breath hitch.

“We need to talk,” Louis mumbled. He scooted back to be able to look at Harry.

“Yeah, I guess we do,” Harry agreed. “Look, Lou, about last night, I’m really sorry-“

“Don’t be,” Louis interrupted. “I mean, I didn’t exactly stop you.”

“So where does this leave us?” Harry asked quietly.

“I… I don’t know, Haz. I wish I did.”

“Maybe we could try again?”

Louis shook his head. “You hurt me, Harry. You left me alone for two months. I didn’t know how to handle myself. I just… I don’t know if I’m ready to be back with you.”

“I didn’t want to leave you, Louis, please believe that,” Harry pleaded. “I wanted to stay here. I never wanted to leave. Plus, I told you I was coming back soon. If you would’ve just answered my calls, things wouldn’t be like this. We could’ve stayed at least friends. This-“ he pointed to the cuts on Louis’s wrist, “-this would’ve never happened.”

“I couldn’t just answer your calls, okay?” Louis stood up from the bed. “I was hurting, Harry. When you left, it hurt like hell. You were my life for  _two fucking years,_ how was I supposed to react? Just answer your call and be like ‘Oh, hi, Harry, everything’s fine’ because things weren’t fine at all.”

Harry stood up and walked over to the other boy. “No, you could’ve told me exactly how you felt. You could’ve told me you were hurting. You could’ve told me that you hated me for leaving and you were falling apart. You could’ve yelled and screamed and I would’ve still listened. You wanna know why?” Louis stayed silent. “Because I love you, Louis. I fucking love you more than you can imagine and you’re acting like I don’t.”

“You wouldn’t have left if you did!” Louis shouted. Tears fell down his face. “I love you so much, Harry, I never stopped, but you wouldn’t have left if you still loved me.”

Harry fought to keep his voice under control. “I already told you that I didn’t have a choice. I had to go, but I saved up money and moved back as soon as I could.”

“You could’ve stayed with me,” Louis whispered.

“You didn’t offer that then, now did you?” Harry retorted. “God, Lou, I still love you so much and I’d love you have you back if you’ll take me.”

“Promise me you won’t leave,” Louis whimpered. “Just… Promise me.”

“I promise, Lou,” Harry said. “I’m not leaving you again.”

Louis collapsed into Harry’s arms crying. Harry sank them both to the floor and cradled Louis in his arms. He was murmuring soft ‘ _I love you’_ s into Lou’s ear.

“Lou, you have to promise me something, too,” Harry said suddenly.

Louis leaned back a bit. “What is it?”

Harry grabbed Louis’s wrist. “This has to stop.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Louis admitted. “It’s kind of an addiction now.”

“I’ll help you stop.” Harry placed a gentle kiss on Louis’s lips. “I won’t leave you and you’re going to stop cutting, okay? Even if it takes a bit, I’ll help you through it.”

“What if I relapse?” Louis asked.

“Then I’ll cuddle you and we’ll try again,” Harry answered. “We’re going to get through this, Lou. I promise.”

“I love you, Harry.”

Harry kissed Louis’s forehead. “I love you, too, Louis.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
